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Beard Jokes

We tend to get quite serious on this blog, discussing all the best ways to grow your beard and the best tools to use, but it’s hard not to sneak in a few cheeky beard puns or jokes, so here is a complete ramble of every beard joke we can think of!

  • This is not just a beard…It’s a passport to awesome
  • I love you with all my beard. I’d say heart, but my beard is much bigger
  • You call it a beard. I call it magnificence escaping through my face
  • In the presence of a woman, a gentleman removes his hat. In the presence of a beard, a woman removes her clothes
  • Beards are like tequila, they’ll make your clothes fall off
  • Life is not measured by the amount of breaths we take, but by the amount of beards that take our breath away
  • I don’t always attempt no-shave November, but when I do, I look like someone who’s legally banned from living near a school
  • The only kind of person who cannot pull off facial hair, regardless of its shape, style and size is a woman
  • I don’t work out much, by my beard lifts skirts
  • Remember, unlike other parts of you, your beard can be as long as you’d like it to be
  • There are two kinds of people without beards, boys and women, I am neither
  • Who shaves up to 10 times per day and still has an awesome beard? The barber
  • Warning! If you touch the beard, I will not be held responsible for the sudden loss of panties
  • Without a beard, he’s your boyfriend. With a beard, he’s your man
  • I used to hate facial hair…But then it grew on me
  • Shaving, it’s for pussies, literally
  • Never bring a moustache to a beard fight
  • Not everyone can be bearded…Someone has to stand at the side and clap as men with beards go by
  • A man does not grow a beard. A beard grows a man
  • Winter is coming…So are the santa beard jokes
  • Beards…Pretty much the only thing guys are comfortable complementing each other on
  • I was thinking of getting rid of the beard. But I’ve had it so long that at this point it makes the decisions for me
  • If your works asks you to shave, tell them it’s against your religion. If they ask what religion, tell them ‘Man’
  • My beard eats beards like yours for breakfast
  • When I was a young boy my father taught me how to be a man. He took me into the bathroom, picked up a razor and ate it
  • Excuse me, my eyes are up here!
  • Isn’t your beard annoying in the summer? No, manliness is not seasonal
  • I totally understand, a beard would not complement the feminine look you are going for. Keep shaving
  • Saying you have a beard when you don’t makes you a bald-faced liar
  • It’s good to have beardless friends. When you go out, everyone assumes you’re their leader
  • When people ask me if my beard makes me hot in the summer, I tell them it makes me hot all year long
  • Men don’t cry, they water their beards
  • Sometimes I think about shaving, but then I think “Nah, I like my legs the way they are” and then I go back to hugging my beard
  • Why are you so defensive? I’m not saying your clean shaven face makes you less of a man. You just look like less of a man
  • Dear Disney, why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?
  • Your mum is so old, she knew Gandalf before he had a beard
  • Facial hair that is only found under the lower lip is known as a soul patch. Facial hair that only grows in spots on the neck is known as pitiful
  • One time I asked myself what would Jesus do? Then I grew a beard
  • 55% of men from around the world can be seen sporting a beard or facial hair. The other 45% can be seen glaring jealously over
  • Do you want your beard to grow thicker? Man up. If that doesn’t work then you probably didn’t do it right
  • A dog is man’s best friend. A beard is man’s best wingman
  • I won’t be shaving this November, in order to raise awareness for how lazy I am
  • When is your beard too long? When the comments turn from “Hey! I really like your beard!” into “Sorry I have no spare change”
  • I learned that if you follow a man with a beard, he will lead you to a panel discussion on increasing your social media presence

Chuck Norris Beard Jokes

  • Behind Chuck’s beard there is no chin, only another fist

Because Chuck only needs one joke!

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